This is not the least bit funny. It’s lazy. It’s poorly written. The guy doing the voiceover doesn’t sound like a voiceover guy. The big joke… at least I think it’s the big joke… revolves around a claim that nobody has made (trannies? really?)
TIGER WOODS DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS, PEOPLE! IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF HIM, BRING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING A-GAME!!!!!!
I don’t see the big deal about it. The president cheated on his wife. We’re all human. Human beings are the only ones that have just one partner. You watch National Geographic and the lions, they have like five or six partners. The human race is the only being that is monogamous with partners.
here’s how you know Tiger Woods is THE BEST
Who else on the PLANET could make midwestern housewives feel sympathetic towards a SWEDISH BIKINI MODEL?????
mind = BLOWN
and on the 15th day, tiger becomes even more awesome
Since Tiger went from being boring to awesome 15 days ago, something like a dozen women have come forward to be all “yeah, I did it with the tiger- whattup??” women of all shapes and sizes (but only one color.) From party girls to porn stars, lingerie models to waitresses, and businesswomen to… even more porn stars. Tiger’s done it ALL.
Well- looks like it’s time to throw in a 2002 Playboy Cyber Girl of the Week. Loredana Jolie… WELCOME TO THE CLUB!!!!!!!!
God Damn, Tiger is amazing. I haven’t been this jealous of a man since Rock of Love Bus. Tiger’s like a black Brett Michaels with talent.
who should tiger F next?
Kylie Bisutti, Victoria’s Secret Model
Pros: smoking hot, 19, can apparently dislodge her jaw, smoking hot, will give me excuse to post more pictures of her, smoking hot.
Cons: has only been “famous” for two weeks. having sex with Tiger will make her inevitable hookups with Derek Jeter and David Spade less exciting.
Sarah Palin, author, c-word
Pros: she looks like that chick from 30Rock, old pitbull analogy = must love doggie style.
Cons: pillow talk, also… isn’t she like 50? gross.
Lindsay Lohan, former child star
Pros: will answer every single booty call because it’s not like she has anything else to do
Cons: you’ll have to tell people you had sex with Lindsay Lohan. people like your doctor.
The Black Chick From Clueless
Just kidding. Let’s move on to more white women.
Lisa Ann, pornstar MILF
Pros: looks like that chick from 30Rock, gets paid money to have sexual intercourse on camera… which is a pro for Tiger
Cons: none that I can think of
Taylor Swift, america’s sweetheart
Pros: total image fixer. everybody loves Miss Swift. plus she’s cute as hell and has that youthful energy that tiger may not be able to ‘wear out’
Cons: might not want to- has spotty history with black people.
—-BREAKING NEWS—-
LeaveTigerAlone has obtained EXCLUSIVE audio of Tiger Woods’ FIRST INTERVIEW following the media’s allegations of adultery. FINALLY, we get to hear his thoughts on the matter.
After playing the attached audio clip numerous times, I have to give credit to Mr. Woods… he did an exemplary job of putting everything into focus.
Although I enjoyed our time together, I never was and never will be one of Tiger’s mistresses… I resent being put in the same category as the other women.
-pornslut Holly Sampson, making you all feel STUPID for jumping to the conclusion that Tiger cheated on his wife with her. He did not. Nope. He simply nailed a Vivid Girl when he was a single man, just like we did when we were single. Right? Right? Yeahhhhh.
Oh, and quick note to the “other women.” The star of Suck It Dry 6 does not want to be put in the same category as you. Have a nice day!
HEY! OLD UGLY WOMEN! SHUT UP!
Listen- I know Elizabeth is the only one on set getting any sort of dick on a regular basis, but you old hags need to seriously chill out. It’s absolutely horrifying when you watch a clip of The View (a) ever, or (b) when Whoopi is the one making the most sense. But after breaking my own “never listen to five women talk at the same time ever” rule, I have to admit that I’m impressed with how the women made sense of the whole situation. They did a great job of clarifying… um… they really made sense of…
HOLD ON.
THESE BITCHES HAVE AN EMMY?????????????
CUT TO: SELF INFLICTED GUNSHOT WOUND TO FACE.
FADE TO BLACK.
CREDITS OVER “Butterfly Kisses” by Bob Carlisle.
so jealous. so, so jealous.
Remember that time in high school when you snuck into the bathroom and masturbated to your mom’s Victoria’s Secret Catalog? Yeah- Tiger Woods has done that too.
Except replace “bathroom” with “Vegas,” “masturbated” with “boned,” and “Victoria’s Secret Catalog” with “hot ass lingerie model.” Yeah that’s better*. Tiger Woods gets to sleep with lingerie models whenever he wants because he’s Tiger Woods. He earned it, just like you earned that plaque on the wall in the Beat Off Hall Of Fame. Congratulations. Give yourself a hand.
HAAAAAAAHAAAHAAAA. I didn’t even see that one coming.**
*You can leave in “your mom” though. Yeahhhh. Your mom’s a slut.***
**nope. not gonna touch it.
***Okay, I’m sorry. Now I feel bad. I’m sure your mom is a lovely woman.
There are no “rules to life,” but if there were, they should read something like:
1. maybe don’t kill people
2. maybe don’t rape people
3. maybe don’t talk shit if you were in the movie “Who’s Your Caddy?”
4. definitely don’t talk shit if your name is JESPER.
And that’s it.
“He’s a phony and a fake and he can’t retain that squeaky-clean endorsement deal any longer.”
Hey Jesper Parnevik. You only made 5 cuts this year on the PGA tour and pulled in less money than the average New York City public school teacher. SHUT UP about Tiger Woods. Don’t you talk about Tiger Woods. Go back to the stupid hat store and wow all the idiots with stories about what it was like to work with the great Faizon Love. Oh, and tell Jason Mraz I said hi and he sucks.
Like you. Loser.
(But seriously, Sherri Sheppard was great in that movie.)
Hey Kids- listen up. If you eat your vitamins, practice every day, and say your prayers*, someday you’ll be able to pound strange ass with reckless abandon like Eldrick Tiger Woods.
Just kidding. No you won’t. Because we’re witnessing greatness.
You are NOT Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods f’s kids like you for breakfast!!!!**
*or just wear Nike
**tiger woods does not F kids for breakfast, or any other meal for that matter. he waits until you’re 18, then, if you’re a white female, THAT’S when tiger woods has sex with you.
tiger woods wears out women like jaimee grubbs. the only thing you've ever worn out was your welcome. also, he has a tight ass- you could stand to lose a few.
- Jaimee: miss u
- Tiger: now that’s hot so who is your new boy toy
- Jaimee: no new boy toy … still running dry… been on 2 real dates in the past 2 months
- Tiger: I need you
- Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
- Tiger: I will wear you out soon
- (these are real text messages from snarkfood.com that definitely led to epic f'ing)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Tiger.
Tiger who?
Tiger Woods FARTED and the video got over 2 million views on YouTube. When you fart, the people on the treadmills next to you look over in disgust and wish you were dead.
Tiger Woods is so awesome and amazing that even his farts are viral. Suck on that, Fred.
